Today, Veronika meets Mrs Stephen Fry. Edna Constance Bathsheba Fry took Twitter – then the Net – by storm with her spicy confessions and hysterically funny diary. How does it feel to be Stephen Fry’s wife? Edna opens up about her marriage and talks about kebab, karaoke and her five, six or possibly seven children. Oh, and her diary, of course.
Good afternoon dear Edna! I’m delighted to meet you for a cup of tea and some friendly chit chat about your diary and Mr. Stephen Fry (yes, that Stephen Fry). I imagine there was a before and an after Stephen: can you tell us a little bit more about yourself, before you became “Mrs. Stephen Fry”?
Oh, there’s not much to tell. I was just your average bullfighting, gun-running, Nobel Prize-winning girl, really. Of course meeting Stephen changed all that. Now I’m more your average tea-making, dinner-cooking, wallpaper-hanging, domestic appliance-fixing, carrying-Stephen-home-from-the-pub-on-a-Friday-night kind of girl
How did you and Stephen meet?
It was just your typical ‘Boy Meets Girl’, ‘Boy Meets 12 Pints of Lager’, ‘Boy Meets Policeman’, ‘Girl Talks Policeman Out Of Arresting Boy’, ‘Girl Spends The Next 16 Years Wondering What on Earth She Could Have Been Thinking Of’ story.
You’ve been married for 16 years! What is the secret of such a long-lasting marriage?
Trust, honesty and a very short memory. And trust.
If you could describe Stephen with three words…
I’d love to, dear, but I’m afraid you’d be removed from the internet.
What sparked the idea for your diary?
I’ve always kept a diary ever since I was a mere slip of a thing. I find it oddly comforting, like a cosy blanket. With a bottle of gin in it.
The diary mentions kebabs, window-cleaning and womanizing. Your confessions differ a little from Stephen’s autobiographies. Do you mean that Fry is… a liar?
Good heavens no, dear! He’s as honest as the day is long. Provided that day is in the middle of the Siberian winter . .
That’s reassuring! Stephen wrote the foreword to your diary. How did he react to your revelations?
I don’t think he really noticed, to be honest. He was far too busy with her at number thirty eight.
Could you share a tasty bit that didn’t make it into the diary?
I have to say all my tasty bits are in the diary, dear. And Stephen’s tasteless bits . . .
Life with Stephen: what is your best memory so far? And the worst?
I don’t think there is a worst memory. They’re mostly equally dreadful, to be honest. As for the best? Well, there was that time he said ‘I love you’ in front of an entire restaurant full of people. He said it to his Chicken Madras, but it’s the thought that counts.
Very nice, indeed. Oh, there’s a question from die-hard fan Roxy: what makes your husband happy?
Hello, Roxy, dear. What a delightful name! I imagine you to be a fighter pilot or possibly a pole dancer. As for what makes Stephen happy – need you ask? Me, of course! Well, on a Sunday morning at any rate. The rest of the week I leave it to the kebabs, lager and karaoke.
Let’s talk about your family, now. Do your five, six or possibly seven children want to be like their Dad?
Sadly yes, dear. Apart from Hugh Junior, unfortunately. Even little Brangelina’s growing more like her father every day. I’ve tried the school psychologist and the school exorcist but it seems nothing can be done.
The Web buzzes with rumors. According to those, Mrs. Stephen Fry “is a fake”. Some people suspect Mr. Fry himself to have originated “the hoax”. Your reaction?
Ridiculous, dear! I mean, do I look like a fake to you? The very idea!
Are you planning another diary? What about your plans?
I always keep a diary, dear. I only hope my current one doesn’t fall into the hands of some unscrupulous publisher like the last one did. As for my life plans, I can’t really say, dear. I did have one dream but then I discovered that Stephen wasn’t insured.
And, finally, my favourite question: imagine you found £100 in your purse (or in Stephen’s pocket). How will you use that money?
If I found £100 in Stephen’s pocket, I’d put it straight back in my purse where he got it from, dear! Then, perhaps, I’d splash it all on a pampering day at Widdecombe’s Beauty Parlour. And possibly a nice bottle of Blue Nun.
My Idol: That would have to be Stephen, dear. Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said idle.
Author & Book: I’ve always been terribly fond of that George Eliot. He really seems to understand women. My favourite book is probably The Cat in the Hat – it keeps Stephen amused for hours while I get on with the housework.
Movie & TV show: I’ve always been terribly fond of ‘Brief Encounter’, dear. Two people thrown together by circumstance only to be thwarted by society and their own moral decency. It makes me wonder what might have been . . Food: Well, I am a bit of a domestic goddess as you know, dear, so that would have to be my speciality, Spam Rumpy Pumpy – an intensely satisfying dish, I assure you.
City: It has to be Paris – the city of love. It has that certain je ne sais quoi. And a big tower.
Music: I rarely get time to listen to music, what with six or seven children to look after. As a teenager, I was a big fan of Stephen’s punk band, The Kebabstards. Sadly they disbanded due to musical similarities.
Place to write: My diary, of course. (what a ridiculous question!)
Motto: If life gives you lemons, make Lemon and Bacon Cheesecake.
“Tea or Coffee?”
Tea or Coffee? Tea of course, although our local café, the Cuppa Cabana, does have a rather nice Colombian. Pablo, I think he’s called.
Saturday night. Disco & Restaurant or Home, Books & DVDs? Generally at home while Stephen’s at the disco. Unless he’s mislaid his leather trousers again.
Going on holidays. Beach or Mountains? Sadly neither. We generally go to Stephen’s favourite theme park, Lagerland.
Sleepy Little Town or Crazy Megapolis? I’m sorry, dear. I’m afraid I don’t play computer games.
Stephen Fry or John Cleese? Oh, John Cleese, dear! He’s so funny and tall. And terribly dashing. Sorry, who was the other one again?
Pick a DVD: Comedy or Weepy Drama? I do love a good three tissue movie, dear. As does Stephen, when he manages to unlock the adult channel.
Like To Travel or Hate to Move? I love to travel but Stephen hates to move. He gets nervous if he’s more than a hundred metres from the fridge.
Sport Lover or Couch Potato? If you’re talking about Stephen, both.
Leader or Follower? I like to follow. But only when Stephen’s ankle tracking bracelet isn’t working.
Shy or Easy-going? I’m very easy-going. With a husband like Stephen, I don’t have any choice.
Funny or Serious? Most of the time I’m a combination of the two, dear – Furious.